October In A Bombshell

To the reader: If this is your first time on my blog, many greetings; If you've been here before, happy returns to you. Everything you read here will be my genuine unfiltered thoughts and secrets, explaining in full detail everything about me, piece by piece. I wish that you read on without prejudice or judgement, for I am not a perfect person, and I hope that you can connect and empathize with my life's story. -Alex

It's been a while since I've written anything, and a lot has happened. A lot of interesting things regarding interesting people, and interesting situations in which I've had interesting thoughts.

The questions I've asked myself the most in the last few weeks are:
1) Is it better to feel alive, or to feel appreciated?
2) How do you decide what is the "right" thing to do when you only have bad choices?

I'm going to start with the latter question, as it did dwell my mind for a while.

I had recently let down a few friends in a group project, in which I'd contributed less to the group than I could/should have. They were kind enough to give me a second chance and let me stay on in their group for the next group project, which was also the first half of the final project for the semester (the second half being individual).

The assignment was officially given on the Monday of that week, and on Wednesday we were given the 'OK' to begin constructing a scaled down model. It began Thursday, and straight through till Saturday night, the model was completely built.

I was occupied during Thursday and Friday, from 5pm onwards until 11pm, and thus could not help with the model construction until Saturday, where almost all of it had already been completed.

As bad as I feel about it, I had other obligations though, and they had been made prior for almost 2 months; I was working on a showcase with Dennis Yeap, a director who'd come over from Los Angeles, California. I couldn't simply ditch the showcase and the 10 to 20 people involved in it for the sake of the assignment; the showcase was of a passion/hobby, yes, but at the same time it was like a job for me. I was working on an official event that I couldn't simply walk out of.

I question what the correct thing to have done was. I've heard from my groupmates and family that my "priorities are not straight", that I should value the project over the job, yet at the same time I've been told to just ignore it and get on with it, as long as the project was finished things should be okay.

I've left it at that and moved on, feeling fully guilty, but also knowing that there wasn't much I could've done. #concludepart1

The first question stems from a rather interesting trail of events.

In the recent 2 months, I found not one, but two girls who caught my attention (not at the same time, obviously), both captivating me in different ways.

The first was a wonderful, cute, funny, and drop-dead gorgeous [short] sweetheart from Kenya (but Pakistani descent), and I felt myself melt the first time I met her. I'd even received the comment that people could 'see the way I looked at her', and I felt for the first time in a long time the wonderful feeling of falling in love, hoping for a text, wondering when I'd see her again, etc.

Arooj and I dated for two weeks, and it was an exhilarating two weeks in which we texted every day, and met up often, going for dinner and hanging out. There were so many things we had in common, ie. music tastes, loving drives; we even had the same birthday [no one I've met before ever shared my birth date], and we had intense synergy with one another. She made me feel like I was a good person for once. She made me feel appreciated.

At the end of the two weeks, she told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship. I was distracting her from her studies (quite literally so, I guess I did overdo it a liiiiiiittle bit), and that she didn't think she was ready for a proper relationship.

It wasn't the first time I'd heard things like this, and I respected her decision. With a heavier heart than I'd like to admit, I let her go. Since then, I haven't properly talked to her [which I feel completely guilty for; I just have a very bad history of dealing with girls I've had intimacy with]

Then just as I was preparing myself to dig out of the self-pity hole, I met Ayat [aka Salsadip].

Meeting Ayat is something I don't think I'd ever have seen coming. She is THE person I've needed in my life.

She's funny, quick-witted, suspicious, energetic, explosive, impulsive, stubborn, and above all else, she is genuine. She rides motorbikes, does kickboxing, plays guitar and saxophone, sings, loves jazz with a passion, and does whatever she wants whenever she feels like it. She is the most genuine person I've ever met, but the most deceiving part about her is how well she plays the intellectual game.

If anything, she's the closest I could come to a female version of me.

Before meeting Ayat, life made sense. Now that I've met her, it makes more sense. I have zero idea as to what we are right now, whether we're just friends or possibly something more, but there was one thing I had no doubt about when I met her: I wanted her in my life, in whatever form possible, because I cannot fathom living a life without someone as fantastic as her in my life, which is ridiculous considering I've known her for only one and a half weeks.

This brings me back to my initial question: Is it better to feel alive, or to feel appreciated?

I have had love appear in many forms: 'Best-Friends', 'Obsessive', 'Infatuative', 'Physical', but having met Ayat, it feels like a 5th category is emerging, one that merges all the traits of the previous four. With her around, I feel ALIVE.