Regrescent

To the reader: If this is your first time on my blog, many greetings; If you've been here before, happy returns to you. Everything you read here will be my genuine unfiltered thoughts and secrets, explaining in full detail everything about me, piece by piece. I wish that you read on without prejudice or judgement, for I am not a perfect person, and I hope that you can connect and empathize with my life's story. -Alex

I feel like a void.

I try to fill my waking moments with countless activities; I'm trying to read more, I'm aiming to work out at least 4 times a week, I've joined Dance Club for Hip Hop, and I go rock-climbing every Sunday. The free time I have goes to group discussions and SPART.

But time is passing. Zahrin is the next to leave, and soon enough it will be time for Surayyn to leave, and I don't know what will happen with SPART. I look around, and everywhere I look, I see so much talent. Many of the newcomers have so much skill to lend to SPART, ranging from designing, to outstanding PR skills, to contacts, to videography and photography, and so much more.

Where do I fit in?

I'm doing all these things but it's like I have nothing to give. All these skills I've acquired are either irrelevant, or not good enough. It's so difficult to see myself contributing to SPART in any way because in all honesty I don't see myself as having nearly the same magnitude of influence as Tasha, Surayyn, Esther, David, or Leanne ever had. I'm part of a family that I can't contribute to, it seems.

I truly wish I could bring something to SPART, or bring SPART to another level, but the mere thought of either of those things bring me to my proverbial knees; the first requires me to be better than I am, when I'm already trying so hard, and the second heralds such immense expectations I fear that I'd turn to stone sooner than I'd be able to accomplish such impeccable expectations.


On another note.

Love has become such an obscure thing to me. I've met an outstanding individual in Germany, and her name is Dasha. The bond we have is so overwhelming; Murakami best describes it as a 'bond that most people never have in their lifetimes. It would be a mistake to call it love; it was absolute empathy.'

I've come to realise that I have such a beautiful connection with her that I can't help a part of me loving her; and that's perfectly alright. Our relationship is both emotional and platonic at the same time, it shares a comfortable intensity.

Likewise, I feel the same connection with another individual I've been close with: Tasha.
I feel myself, for a third time now, slowly falling under this desire to be with her, and so often I sense that I'm not needed in her life, yet at other times, she seems to love me being with her. It's very apparent that she treats me in a complete different manner than her other friends, and perhaps that's just the diversity of social interaction, but it leaves me both hurt and craving more. I wish that she would at least treat me as more of a close friend at times, especially when the moments she does warm up to me feel like we've been life-long acquaintances. Perhaps that's just how she is.

I've got such a knack for difficult social ties.

As far as obscurity goes, my regretful relation with Kaitlyn has culminated in an unnecessary form of resentment as she goes on to flirt around with a new guy; it's literally been less than a week since she cried to have our relationship start anew, yet barely a week and she's already hitting on someone else. Again, maybe it's just the 16-year-old hormones and the need to be in a relationship. Perhaps that's just how she is.


In summary:

Be less of an idiot, idiot.



EDIT:

It's been three days since I posted this, and unknowingly, I've received a sudden outburst of love from those who are close to me.

"I need to tell you something: I fricking love you. So please don't leave, don't go. If you go, I will be broken." -Tasha

"You're one of the greatest actors I've ever worked with, and I know that if you keep on going, one day you're going to shoot through the roof." -Zahrin

"I tell everyone this; the love I have for Spartans is just so different; there's nothing like Spartan love." -Surayyn

"You are so beautiful, and you say you know that, but you don't understand. You are beautiful, you've got this impact on everyone around you, but you don't know it because no one ever says anything about it." -Esther

I fucking love you Spartans, I fucking love you all more than you guys will ever know. I needed to hear these things, and I'm so glad I have you guys as my friends, as my family. I am so immensely grateful for all of you.