Curtain Call for January

To the reader: If this is your first time on my blog, many greetings; If you've been here before, happy returns to you. Everything you read here will be my genuine unfiltered thoughts and secrets, explaining in full detail everything about me, piece by piece. I wish that you read on without prejudice or judgement, for I am not a perfect person, and I hope that you can connect and empathize with my life's story. -Alex

It's been a while since I've written here. I guess it's been mostly because I've not allowed myself the time to think about things, to really absorb the impact of whats going on in my life around me.

I've kept myself intentionally busy, just running and running from the things that hurt. Rock climbing, parkour, acting, composing, and being caught up with both work and studies is intense. I had to measure and draw out the plans for the Istana Negara Royal Palace for my sem project, and that's taking a lot of energy out of me. 5 hours sleep a day for 2 weeks is slowly taking its toll.

I'm taking today off to really reflect on where I'm standing in my life after a month of running, and I've garnered a high degree of respect and love for my fellow Spartan actors. I spent Friday/Saturday at Zahrin's place drinking beers and catching up and watching the craziest movie (Coherence, 2013) and thinking of all these potential theatre ideas.

I caught up with my old friend Yasmin (henceforth refered to as Yazzle) about how she's doing, and I'm genuinely worried to hear that things are tough for her; but I also know she's one of the toughest girls I've ever met, so I know she'll find her answer soon enough. But, it got me thinking-- where am I heading now? I started off this year with a new blank page and the biggest scar on my heart, wanting to just go wherever life would take me, and given any choice to try something crazy or stupid, I would take it. So far, I have, and I definitely feel happier in my life, but there's this gnawing sensation of feeling empty.

I guess I've reached an impasse, where finding personal happiness is no longer the next objective, but rather finding a sense of purpose and completion is the next step. Reflecting on my journey since I began this escapade of wanting to achieve self-perfection (2008), I've already come a long way. I've beat down depression multiple times, found my passions, found people I can call family, found what it meant to be human, and to really be in tune with my emotions. I understand dedication, and what ambition is. I feel like I've grown exponentially since this pilgrimage began, especially in the last year, and overcoming the fact that things happen for no reason was the greatest difficutly.

I still feel like crying a lot. I still feel hurt. I can't understand the reason for that, other than the fact that I feel incomplete. Maybe I feel that way because, to a certain degree, I believe I'll never be fully loved by another-- a belief seeded in the fact that I'm much too complex for most people to bother understanding. I've had too many people leave without telling me goodbye, and I'm sick of it.

I just really want to feel whole again, with or without someone else.
I suppose that's the next step in my grand scheme.

**Almost immediately after that call, Arooj message and we talked for a bit as well. (not really relevant, this is more of a for 'on-the-record' purposes) That girl chose the stupidest boy, EVER, for her next date plan, such a child he's turned out to be.