To the reader: If this is your first time on my blog, many greetings; If you've been here before, happy returns to you. Everything you read here will be my genuine unfiltered thoughts and secrets, explaining in full detail everything about me, piece by piece. I wish that you read on without prejudice or judgement, for I am not a perfect person, and I hope that you can connect and empathize with my life's story. -Alex
It's been a while since I've felt like I wanted to gouge out my eyes, and take a pair of blades to my own rib cage. That desire to rip my own organs out swells me up whenever I'm filled with a sense of absolute dread, or absolute rage.
Today, it was rage.
All my pent up stresses and anger were augmented by the realisation of my own incompetence yesterday, and the breaking point today was the apparent lack of civil decision making from a so called close friend. Simply put, there's no need to kick someone who's already down. Six times.
The icing of the cake was the usual appearance of Kaitlyn and her new pet.
Animosity aside, I'm sure Randall is a good person, and given a good day, I'm sure I could come to actually establish a proper friendship with him.
But this gnawing feeling of betrayal and secrecy only invoked my rage even further.
Warning: I'm about to rant.
What the actual fuck. Any other day I could tolerate your immature shit and not-so-subtle antics I've looked away from as often as I could; but WHY the actual fuck? Do you have to taunt me like this, with your new boyfriend so blatantly in front of me? I'm pissed at the fact that you're trying so hard to hide as if anything's happening. Starbucks has fucking GLASS WINDOWS for walls, I'm not fucking stupid. Am I not supposed to notice that when you guys come out and sit that you never talk while I'm around? Am I some kind of fucking taboo ward that stops you guys from continuing whatever it is you guys do? Was this supposed to 'help' me come to terms with it? Fucking patronizing, that's what it is.
Another thing; you can tell me whatever fucking excuse you have, that you're 'trying to get over it', that 'you found the fucking one', I don't care; Either you've lied to the whole time and you didn't actually love me, which would make me think so shallowly of you, or you're just so desperate to get laid or whatever it is that you just had to hop into another relationship-- in which case I think you're a stupid shallow slut.
I'm fucking horny all the time, but I don't go out finding a random relationship to get laid. TASHA has been fucking horny for over a year now, but she stuck to the hope of Ahmad getting back with her, and even AFTER he's denied her, she's not jumping into random relationships.
I'm sorry, but if this was supposed to make me feel indifferent, the way you've handled it has made me infuriated. If this was supposed to make me jealous, its made me sick. If this is really a relationship you want to be in, then you've made me number than I need to be; I already have enough people backstabbing me.
I'm getting really tired of your shit.
All my secrets, one by one. My style, my flavor; My story, my life.
Friday, September 18, 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Regrescent
To the reader: If this is your first time on my blog, many greetings; If you've been here before, happy returns to you. Everything you read here will be my genuine unfiltered thoughts and secrets, explaining in full detail everything about me, piece by piece. I wish that you read on without prejudice or judgement, for I am not a perfect person, and I hope that you can connect and empathize with my life's story. -Alex
I feel like a void.
I try to fill my waking moments with countless activities; I'm trying to read more, I'm aiming to work out at least 4 times a week, I've joined Dance Club for Hip Hop, and I go rock-climbing every Sunday. The free time I have goes to group discussions and SPART.
But time is passing. Zahrin is the next to leave, and soon enough it will be time for Surayyn to leave, and I don't know what will happen with SPART. I look around, and everywhere I look, I see so much talent. Many of the newcomers have so much skill to lend to SPART, ranging from designing, to outstanding PR skills, to contacts, to videography and photography, and so much more.
Where do I fit in?
I'm doing all these things but it's like I have nothing to give. All these skills I've acquired are either irrelevant, or not good enough. It's so difficult to see myself contributing to SPART in any way because in all honesty I don't see myself as having nearly the same magnitude of influence as Tasha, Surayyn, Esther, David, or Leanne ever had. I'm part of a family that I can't contribute to, it seems.
I truly wish I could bring something to SPART, or bring SPART to another level, but the mere thought of either of those things bring me to my proverbial knees; the first requires me to be better than I am, when I'm already trying so hard, and the second heralds such immense expectations I fear that I'd turn to stone sooner than I'd be able to accomplish such impeccable expectations.
On another note.
Love has become such an obscure thing to me. I've met an outstanding individual in Germany, and her name is Dasha. The bond we have is so overwhelming; Murakami best describes it as a 'bond that most people never have in their lifetimes. It would be a mistake to call it love; it was absolute empathy.'
I've come to realise that I have such a beautiful connection with her that I can't help a part of me loving her; and that's perfectly alright. Our relationship is both emotional and platonic at the same time, it shares a comfortable intensity.
Likewise, I feel the same connection with another individual I've been close with: Tasha.
I feel myself, for a third time now, slowly falling under this desire to be with her, and so often I sense that I'm not needed in her life, yet at other times, she seems to love me being with her. It's very apparent that she treats me in a complete different manner than her other friends, and perhaps that's just the diversity of social interaction, but it leaves me both hurt and craving more. I wish that she would at least treat me as more of a close friend at times, especially when the moments she does warm up to me feel like we've been life-long acquaintances. Perhaps that's just how she is.
I've got such a knack for difficult social ties.
As far as obscurity goes, my regretful relation with Kaitlyn has culminated in an unnecessary form of resentment as she goes on to flirt around with a new guy; it's literally been less than a week since she cried to have our relationship start anew, yet barely a week and she's already hitting on someone else. Again, maybe it's just the 16-year-old hormones and the need to be in a relationship. Perhaps that's just how she is.
In summary:
Be less of an idiot, idiot.
EDIT:
It's been three days since I posted this, and unknowingly, I've received a sudden outburst of love from those who are close to me.
"I need to tell you something: I fricking love you. So please don't leave, don't go. If you go, I will be broken." -Tasha
"You're one of the greatest actors I've ever worked with, and I know that if you keep on going, one day you're going to shoot through the roof." -Zahrin
"I tell everyone this; the love I have for Spartans is just so different; there's nothing like Spartan love." -Surayyn
"You are so beautiful, and you say you know that, but you don't understand. You are beautiful, you've got this impact on everyone around you, but you don't know it because no one ever says anything about it." -Esther
I fucking love you Spartans, I fucking love you all more than you guys will ever know. I needed to hear these things, and I'm so glad I have you guys as my friends, as my family. I am so immensely grateful for all of you.
I feel like a void.
I try to fill my waking moments with countless activities; I'm trying to read more, I'm aiming to work out at least 4 times a week, I've joined Dance Club for Hip Hop, and I go rock-climbing every Sunday. The free time I have goes to group discussions and SPART.
But time is passing. Zahrin is the next to leave, and soon enough it will be time for Surayyn to leave, and I don't know what will happen with SPART. I look around, and everywhere I look, I see so much talent. Many of the newcomers have so much skill to lend to SPART, ranging from designing, to outstanding PR skills, to contacts, to videography and photography, and so much more.
Where do I fit in?
I'm doing all these things but it's like I have nothing to give. All these skills I've acquired are either irrelevant, or not good enough. It's so difficult to see myself contributing to SPART in any way because in all honesty I don't see myself as having nearly the same magnitude of influence as Tasha, Surayyn, Esther, David, or Leanne ever had. I'm part of a family that I can't contribute to, it seems.
I truly wish I could bring something to SPART, or bring SPART to another level, but the mere thought of either of those things bring me to my proverbial knees; the first requires me to be better than I am, when I'm already trying so hard, and the second heralds such immense expectations I fear that I'd turn to stone sooner than I'd be able to accomplish such impeccable expectations.
On another note.
Love has become such an obscure thing to me. I've met an outstanding individual in Germany, and her name is Dasha. The bond we have is so overwhelming; Murakami best describes it as a 'bond that most people never have in their lifetimes. It would be a mistake to call it love; it was absolute empathy.'
I've come to realise that I have such a beautiful connection with her that I can't help a part of me loving her; and that's perfectly alright. Our relationship is both emotional and platonic at the same time, it shares a comfortable intensity.
Likewise, I feel the same connection with another individual I've been close with: Tasha.
I feel myself, for a third time now, slowly falling under this desire to be with her, and so often I sense that I'm not needed in her life, yet at other times, she seems to love me being with her. It's very apparent that she treats me in a complete different manner than her other friends, and perhaps that's just the diversity of social interaction, but it leaves me both hurt and craving more. I wish that she would at least treat me as more of a close friend at times, especially when the moments she does warm up to me feel like we've been life-long acquaintances. Perhaps that's just how she is.
I've got such a knack for difficult social ties.
As far as obscurity goes, my regretful relation with Kaitlyn has culminated in an unnecessary form of resentment as she goes on to flirt around with a new guy; it's literally been less than a week since she cried to have our relationship start anew, yet barely a week and she's already hitting on someone else. Again, maybe it's just the 16-year-old hormones and the need to be in a relationship. Perhaps that's just how she is.
In summary:
Be less of an idiot, idiot.
EDIT:
It's been three days since I posted this, and unknowingly, I've received a sudden outburst of love from those who are close to me.
"I need to tell you something: I fricking love you. So please don't leave, don't go. If you go, I will be broken." -Tasha
"You're one of the greatest actors I've ever worked with, and I know that if you keep on going, one day you're going to shoot through the roof." -Zahrin
"I tell everyone this; the love I have for Spartans is just so different; there's nothing like Spartan love." -Surayyn
"You are so beautiful, and you say you know that, but you don't understand. You are beautiful, you've got this impact on everyone around you, but you don't know it because no one ever says anything about it." -Esther
I fucking love you Spartans, I fucking love you all more than you guys will ever know. I needed to hear these things, and I'm so glad I have you guys as my friends, as my family. I am so immensely grateful for all of you.
Friday, August 28, 2015
The End of Everything
To the reader: If this is your first time on my blog, many greetings; If you've been here before, happy returns to you. Everything you read here will be my genuine unfiltered thoughts and secrets, explaining in full detail everything about me, piece by piece. I wish that you read on without prejudice or judgement, for I am not a perfect person, and I hope that you can connect and empathize with my life's story. -Alex
And alas, the Summer comes to a close.
It has been a wonderful, enchanting summer in Bonn the last few weeks, every second of which will remain a part of me for all of my life. I've met amazing people from every corner of the world, all of whom brought with them a level of energy and individuality that inspired me to be crazier and more outspoken than ever.
I've also learned several things, like sometimes acting under influence can lead to good outcomes; still, never should it be the answer to a problem, otherwise things may inadvertently end up thrown out of the window, or shoved into an elevator.
Perhaps the most beautiful part that I learned however, is that home truly is where the heart is, and this Summer my heart was with the individuals I'd met, with whom I'd spent days and nights together as if they were more than just people who'd been bunched together to learn a language. It was like a family coming home together again, one final time, before going out to explore more of the world that is ever expanding, ever beckoning us to come grasp it; But that day is not today.
Today is a day to sit and reflect upon the good, the bad, and most importantly, the astonishing. To me, the most outstanding thing was finding a kindred spirit among the chaos that we sewed in this city by the Rhein. I found someone who made me feel whole again, even if the wholeness was temporary, and that was the spark to a new flame that I needed, where I had the revelation then that perhaps we never really had a home, perhaps we are all searching for the day we may finally discover a home to return to.
I am so thankful to have had those few days of contentment, and inner peace, where no moment was ever boring, and even more importantly, no moment ever felt alone. As I write this out, I think that I've not cried this hard in a long time. Although I have another family that I may return to back home, I am so disheartened to have just found a sisterly spirit, only to have to say goodbye so soon.
Today, I am a Wanderer again, but I look forward to when I'll be able to find my next home.
And alas, the Summer comes to a close.
It has been a wonderful, enchanting summer in Bonn the last few weeks, every second of which will remain a part of me for all of my life. I've met amazing people from every corner of the world, all of whom brought with them a level of energy and individuality that inspired me to be crazier and more outspoken than ever.
I've also learned several things, like sometimes acting under influence can lead to good outcomes; still, never should it be the answer to a problem, otherwise things may inadvertently end up thrown out of the window, or shoved into an elevator.
Perhaps the most beautiful part that I learned however, is that home truly is where the heart is, and this Summer my heart was with the individuals I'd met, with whom I'd spent days and nights together as if they were more than just people who'd been bunched together to learn a language. It was like a family coming home together again, one final time, before going out to explore more of the world that is ever expanding, ever beckoning us to come grasp it; But that day is not today.
Today is a day to sit and reflect upon the good, the bad, and most importantly, the astonishing. To me, the most outstanding thing was finding a kindred spirit among the chaos that we sewed in this city by the Rhein. I found someone who made me feel whole again, even if the wholeness was temporary, and that was the spark to a new flame that I needed, where I had the revelation then that perhaps we never really had a home, perhaps we are all searching for the day we may finally discover a home to return to.
I am so thankful to have had those few days of contentment, and inner peace, where no moment was ever boring, and even more importantly, no moment ever felt alone. As I write this out, I think that I've not cried this hard in a long time. Although I have another family that I may return to back home, I am so disheartened to have just found a sisterly spirit, only to have to say goodbye so soon.
Today, I am a Wanderer again, but I look forward to when I'll be able to find my next home.
Friday, May 15, 2015
May I Love You?
To the reader: If this is your first time on my blog, many greetings; If you've been here before, happy returns to you. Everything you read here will be my genuine unfiltered thoughts and secrets, explaining in full detail everything about me, piece by piece. I wish that you read on without prejudice or judgement, for I am not a perfect person, and I hope that you can connect and empathize with my life's story. -Alex
It's been a long while since I've written anything.
To quickly recap the last 2-3 months or so, I've been rather busy working for group projects and studying.
Regrets: I haven't made time to parkour, at all. I even had to skip out on a few acting sessions to make time for all my work.
Accomplishments: I've maintained a B+ average for my projects thus far, I've conducted at least 3 sessions now for SPART'ists, all the while being able to sleep on a daily basis for a reasonable amount of time. On top of that, I've also been able to make time to show up for several music-related events, and hanging out with the Music Club gang (Aalex, Irwin, Hariz, Annabel, Darren, and a few others). And playing poker. (Axam, Farhad, Farhat, Hazwan, Guru, Mark)
Last week, I went clubbing for the first time with a few of my lovely Spartans (Surayyn, Tasha, Zahrin), while making new friends (*cough* Angeline, Arjun, Deepa, Irwin), while reconnecting with others (Enrico, Sid). It was... intense. Turns out, after about 5-shots of Black Label I turn into a dancer. Or something.
The thing I remember most though: Tasha
I kept eye on her the whole night, making sure she wasn't being boy-handled by the wrong boys, and she showed me a startling amount of compassion when she checked on me afterwards when I had a tinsy bit too much to drink.
Long story short, I woke up realizing that I really cared for Tasha. Deeply.
This wasn't unknown to me; I've always known she was the type of girl I'd fall in love with if I wasn't careful, and up till now I've always self-restricted myself from loving another Spartan. That being said, however, it just really surprised me how much I've grown to care for Tasha.
She's a close friend, family, and I've considered her as a potential partner before, prior to self-restricting myself. I don't know what caused me to suddenly wake up one day and realize the feelings I had for her, but I was caught in a seriously difficult choice for a while.
Do I pursue this opportunity, knowing fully well that things might turn *VERY* ugly? Or do I leave it and live in regret for the opportunity I never tried?
She's busy with her own life issues; her boyfriend very apparently does not care for her the same way she cares for him, there's been ugly rumours spread around by what were supposed to be close friends, and overall she's very conflicted with everything.
My end solution was then this: self-happiness.
I will start doing more things to make myself a happier person. More acting, more dancing, more parkour'ing; I want to radiate happiness. Hopefully then, one day she'll see that I want to share my happiness with her, and even if she never does, I'll at least be happy on my own.
In the meantime, I've started showing up at Starbucks on campus; I've met about 20 different people, half of which I'm sure are indifferent to my appearance, and another half probably disliking me for upsetting the balance of the place; but quite frankly I don't care. I'm going to start showing up more frequently and keep an eye on her. Seeing Tasha depressed hurts me in more ways than one, and I want to be there if she should need me.
If ever one day she reads this, for whatever reason: I hope you know that I've got you, no matter what, and I would never take advantage of you regardless of what state you are in. I've seen you at your best, and damn near to your worst; but I hope you know you are an irreplaceable, spectacular individual. Don't ever forget that.
"You are a recording" -Tasha 2015
It's been a long while since I've written anything.
To quickly recap the last 2-3 months or so, I've been rather busy working for group projects and studying.
Regrets: I haven't made time to parkour, at all. I even had to skip out on a few acting sessions to make time for all my work.
Accomplishments: I've maintained a B+ average for my projects thus far, I've conducted at least 3 sessions now for SPART'ists, all the while being able to sleep on a daily basis for a reasonable amount of time. On top of that, I've also been able to make time to show up for several music-related events, and hanging out with the Music Club gang (Aalex, Irwin, Hariz, Annabel, Darren, and a few others). And playing poker. (Axam, Farhad, Farhat, Hazwan, Guru, Mark)
Last week, I went clubbing for the first time with a few of my lovely Spartans (Surayyn, Tasha, Zahrin), while making new friends (*cough* Angeline, Arjun, Deepa, Irwin), while reconnecting with others (Enrico, Sid). It was... intense. Turns out, after about 5-shots of Black Label I turn into a dancer. Or something.
The thing I remember most though: Tasha
I kept eye on her the whole night, making sure she wasn't being boy-handled by the wrong boys, and she showed me a startling amount of compassion when she checked on me afterwards when I had a tinsy bit too much to drink.
Long story short, I woke up realizing that I really cared for Tasha. Deeply.
This wasn't unknown to me; I've always known she was the type of girl I'd fall in love with if I wasn't careful, and up till now I've always self-restricted myself from loving another Spartan. That being said, however, it just really surprised me how much I've grown to care for Tasha.
She's a close friend, family, and I've considered her as a potential partner before, prior to self-restricting myself. I don't know what caused me to suddenly wake up one day and realize the feelings I had for her, but I was caught in a seriously difficult choice for a while.
Do I pursue this opportunity, knowing fully well that things might turn *VERY* ugly? Or do I leave it and live in regret for the opportunity I never tried?
She's busy with her own life issues; her boyfriend very apparently does not care for her the same way she cares for him, there's been ugly rumours spread around by what were supposed to be close friends, and overall she's very conflicted with everything.
My end solution was then this: self-happiness.
I will start doing more things to make myself a happier person. More acting, more dancing, more parkour'ing; I want to radiate happiness. Hopefully then, one day she'll see that I want to share my happiness with her, and even if she never does, I'll at least be happy on my own.
In the meantime, I've started showing up at Starbucks on campus; I've met about 20 different people, half of which I'm sure are indifferent to my appearance, and another half probably disliking me for upsetting the balance of the place; but quite frankly I don't care. I'm going to start showing up more frequently and keep an eye on her. Seeing Tasha depressed hurts me in more ways than one, and I want to be there if she should need me.
If ever one day she reads this, for whatever reason: I hope you know that I've got you, no matter what, and I would never take advantage of you regardless of what state you are in. I've seen you at your best, and damn near to your worst; but I hope you know you are an irreplaceable, spectacular individual. Don't ever forget that.
"You are a recording" -Tasha 2015
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Momentum
To the reader: If this is your first time on my blog, many greetings; If you've been here before, happy returns to you. Everything you read here will be my genuine unfiltered thoughts and secrets, explaining in full detail everything about me, piece by piece. I wish that you read on without prejudice or judgement, for I am not a perfect person, and I hope that you can connect and empathize with my life's story. -Alex
Rhythm. Music. Interconnecting Lines. Words. Expression.
The cadence of my beating heart.
I've spent all this time waiting for the moment, a moment that I've already learned will never be of optimal conditions; waiting inevitably results in the loss of opportunities to do the greatest we can achieve.
I understand that I *am* the moment; in my moment of existence, when I make a decision, that moment is the moment I have preordained for myself. From now on, I will be the moment where I will become the master of my own realm. From madness, to freedom, I will forge my own soul onward.
The time of learning and experiencing new things is over; now comes the era of perfecting what I already have started on the path of becoming. If anything, I need to run faster.
I've got to be faster.
I'm not running away from anything, not this time; rather I'm running towards everything that seems to slip out of my grasp in the moments I look away. I've always been one step ahead, but two seconds behind; ahead in the mind, but behind in my actions.
I want to catch up on lost opportunities by creating as many as I can.
Rhythm. Music. Interconnecting Lines. Words. Expression.
The cadence of my beating heart.
I've spent all this time waiting for the moment, a moment that I've already learned will never be of optimal conditions; waiting inevitably results in the loss of opportunities to do the greatest we can achieve.
I understand that I *am* the moment; in my moment of existence, when I make a decision, that moment is the moment I have preordained for myself. From now on, I will be the moment where I will become the master of my own realm. From madness, to freedom, I will forge my own soul onward.
The time of learning and experiencing new things is over; now comes the era of perfecting what I already have started on the path of becoming. If anything, I need to run faster.
I've got to be faster.
I'm not running away from anything, not this time; rather I'm running towards everything that seems to slip out of my grasp in the moments I look away. I've always been one step ahead, but two seconds behind; ahead in the mind, but behind in my actions.
I want to catch up on lost opportunities by creating as many as I can.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
CNY15
To the reader: If this is your first time on my blog, many greetings; If you've been here before, happy returns to you. Everything you read here will be my genuine unfiltered thoughts and secrets, explaining in full detail everything about me, piece by piece. I wish that you read on without prejudice or judgement, for I am not a perfect person, and I hope that you can connect and empathize with my life's story. -Alex
Short list of things I've thought about recently.
1) I've been wanting to write a short script play that starts as a comedy sketch but ends with a supernatural twist. It would feature a very "The Nanny" styled lead male/female actors, with a 3rd side-actor acting as a Frankenstein-themed henchman. (The lead male would be named "Allen Bates", and the henchman being titled fondly as "Edgar", the joke of the show being Edgar offering all kinds of help to his master, Master Bates [cue laughter]). The plot would revolved around a new closet/dresser arriving, and Bates asks Edgar to bring it inside. The light will constantly go out, and knocking will be heard, and when the lights come on the scene has slightly changed in a comedic way every time, until the final light-out, where it's revealed that *none of the characters have been doing the knocking*. When the lights come back on, as they ask who's been knocking then, an arm will burst out of the dresser and smack/claw against the outside of the closet, resulting in he cast turning in shock/horror and screaming, before a final light out.
2) I did not get high for the first time. I did not smoke up in my car with friends on Valentine's Night as a Spartan single's get-together bond session and go on a food binge spree with alcohol. I did not observe the shisha smoke intently and notice how the smoke curls and billows and how the colour changes along with the opacity, and that it resembles clouds and low-lit flames.
3) With Valentine's just being a thing, I've spent a lot of time thinking about relationships. I've always been the one left a complete mess after things, and I still want to have that crazy in love feeling; but lately I've also had the want/need/*desire* to see someone else want to put in effort to really get my attention. I think it's a selfish thought, but I've spilled enough of my heart on the ground only to be run down. As self-centered as it is, I wish someone would bleed for me first. I want someone to show me their strengths, to show me how capable they are, *not* because I want to have someone who can do everything for me, but rather because I want someone who can function as a human being without me, but still feel enhanced by my presence. I feel like a bloody princess writing this, but god damn; I spent 7 hours working today, AFTER 2 hours of rock climbing and an hour of parkour, and that was the only feasible thought of how I want my next relationship to be like. It's so specific, but I suppose that's due to high expectations being cultivated by crushing failure.
Short list of things I've thought about recently.
1) I've been wanting to write a short script play that starts as a comedy sketch but ends with a supernatural twist. It would feature a very "The Nanny" styled lead male/female actors, with a 3rd side-actor acting as a Frankenstein-themed henchman. (The lead male would be named "Allen Bates", and the henchman being titled fondly as "Edgar", the joke of the show being Edgar offering all kinds of help to his master, Master Bates [cue laughter]). The plot would revolved around a new closet/dresser arriving, and Bates asks Edgar to bring it inside. The light will constantly go out, and knocking will be heard, and when the lights come on the scene has slightly changed in a comedic way every time, until the final light-out, where it's revealed that *none of the characters have been doing the knocking*. When the lights come back on, as they ask who's been knocking then, an arm will burst out of the dresser and smack/claw against the outside of the closet, resulting in he cast turning in shock/horror and screaming, before a final light out.
2) I did not get high for the first time. I did not smoke up in my car with friends on Valentine's Night as a Spartan single's get-together bond session and go on a food binge spree with alcohol. I did not observe the shisha smoke intently and notice how the smoke curls and billows and how the colour changes along with the opacity, and that it resembles clouds and low-lit flames.
3) With Valentine's just being a thing, I've spent a lot of time thinking about relationships. I've always been the one left a complete mess after things, and I still want to have that crazy in love feeling; but lately I've also had the want/need/*desire* to see someone else want to put in effort to really get my attention. I think it's a selfish thought, but I've spilled enough of my heart on the ground only to be run down. As self-centered as it is, I wish someone would bleed for me first. I want someone to show me their strengths, to show me how capable they are, *not* because I want to have someone who can do everything for me, but rather because I want someone who can function as a human being without me, but still feel enhanced by my presence. I feel like a bloody princess writing this, but god damn; I spent 7 hours working today, AFTER 2 hours of rock climbing and an hour of parkour, and that was the only feasible thought of how I want my next relationship to be like. It's so specific, but I suppose that's due to high expectations being cultivated by crushing failure.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Curtain Call for January
To the reader: If this is your first time on my blog, many greetings; If you've been here before, happy returns to you. Everything you read here will be my genuine unfiltered thoughts and secrets, explaining in full detail everything about me, piece by piece. I wish that you read on without prejudice or judgement, for I am not a perfect person, and I hope that you can connect and empathize with my life's story. -Alex
It's been a while since I've written here. I guess it's been mostly because I've not allowed myself the time to think about things, to really absorb the impact of whats going on in my life around me.
I've kept myself intentionally busy, just running and running from the things that hurt. Rock climbing, parkour, acting, composing, and being caught up with both work and studies is intense. I had to measure and draw out the plans for the Istana Negara Royal Palace for my sem project, and that's taking a lot of energy out of me. 5 hours sleep a day for 2 weeks is slowly taking its toll.
I'm taking today off to really reflect on where I'm standing in my life after a month of running, and I've garnered a high degree of respect and love for my fellow Spartan actors. I spent Friday/Saturday at Zahrin's place drinking beers and catching up and watching the craziest movie (Coherence, 2013) and thinking of all these potential theatre ideas.
I caught up with my old friend Yasmin (henceforth refered to as Yazzle) about how she's doing, and I'm genuinely worried to hear that things are tough for her; but I also know she's one of the toughest girls I've ever met, so I know she'll find her answer soon enough. But, it got me thinking-- where am I heading now? I started off this year with a new blank page and the biggest scar on my heart, wanting to just go wherever life would take me, and given any choice to try something crazy or stupid, I would take it. So far, I have, and I definitely feel happier in my life, but there's this gnawing sensation of feeling empty.
I guess I've reached an impasse, where finding personal happiness is no longer the next objective, but rather finding a sense of purpose and completion is the next step. Reflecting on my journey since I began this escapade of wanting to achieve self-perfection (2008), I've already come a long way. I've beat down depression multiple times, found my passions, found people I can call family, found what it meant to be human, and to really be in tune with my emotions. I understand dedication, and what ambition is. I feel like I've grown exponentially since this pilgrimage began, especially in the last year, and overcoming the fact that things happen for no reason was the greatest difficutly.
I still feel like crying a lot. I still feel hurt. I can't understand the reason for that, other than the fact that I feel incomplete. Maybe I feel that way because, to a certain degree, I believe I'll never be fully loved by another-- a belief seeded in the fact that I'm much too complex for most people to bother understanding. I've had too many people leave without telling me goodbye, and I'm sick of it.
I just really want to feel whole again, with or without someone else.
I suppose that's the next step in my grand scheme.
**Almost immediately after that call, Arooj message and we talked for a bit as well. (not really relevant, this is more of a for 'on-the-record' purposes) That girl chose the stupidest boy, EVER, for her next date plan, such a child he's turned out to be.
It's been a while since I've written here. I guess it's been mostly because I've not allowed myself the time to think about things, to really absorb the impact of whats going on in my life around me.
I've kept myself intentionally busy, just running and running from the things that hurt. Rock climbing, parkour, acting, composing, and being caught up with both work and studies is intense. I had to measure and draw out the plans for the Istana Negara Royal Palace for my sem project, and that's taking a lot of energy out of me. 5 hours sleep a day for 2 weeks is slowly taking its toll.
I'm taking today off to really reflect on where I'm standing in my life after a month of running, and I've garnered a high degree of respect and love for my fellow Spartan actors. I spent Friday/Saturday at Zahrin's place drinking beers and catching up and watching the craziest movie (Coherence, 2013) and thinking of all these potential theatre ideas.
I caught up with my old friend Yasmin (henceforth refered to as Yazzle) about how she's doing, and I'm genuinely worried to hear that things are tough for her; but I also know she's one of the toughest girls I've ever met, so I know she'll find her answer soon enough. But, it got me thinking-- where am I heading now? I started off this year with a new blank page and the biggest scar on my heart, wanting to just go wherever life would take me, and given any choice to try something crazy or stupid, I would take it. So far, I have, and I definitely feel happier in my life, but there's this gnawing sensation of feeling empty.
I guess I've reached an impasse, where finding personal happiness is no longer the next objective, but rather finding a sense of purpose and completion is the next step. Reflecting on my journey since I began this escapade of wanting to achieve self-perfection (2008), I've already come a long way. I've beat down depression multiple times, found my passions, found people I can call family, found what it meant to be human, and to really be in tune with my emotions. I understand dedication, and what ambition is. I feel like I've grown exponentially since this pilgrimage began, especially in the last year, and overcoming the fact that things happen for no reason was the greatest difficutly.
I still feel like crying a lot. I still feel hurt. I can't understand the reason for that, other than the fact that I feel incomplete. Maybe I feel that way because, to a certain degree, I believe I'll never be fully loved by another-- a belief seeded in the fact that I'm much too complex for most people to bother understanding. I've had too many people leave without telling me goodbye, and I'm sick of it.
I just really want to feel whole again, with or without someone else.
I suppose that's the next step in my grand scheme.
**Almost immediately after that call, Arooj message and we talked for a bit as well. (not really relevant, this is more of a for 'on-the-record' purposes) That girl chose the stupidest boy, EVER, for her next date plan, such a child he's turned out to be.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
All about me, berlin-artparasites Style
To the reader: If this is your first time on my blog, many greetings; If you've been here before, happy returns to you. Everything you read here will be my genuine unfiltered thoughts and secrets, explaining in full detail everything about me, piece by piece. I wish that you read on without prejudice or judgement, for I am not a perfect person, and I hope that you can connect and empathize with my life's story. -Alex
My Birthday is November 26, 1993.
My Father has a job, my Mother is staying home as a housewife.
They fight all the time about the stupidest things, and I've never heard them having sex (I don't think they can).
I love my siblings, despite the fact that one is things like a 10 year old at 18, and the other has almost zero respect towards other homo sapiens.
The worst fight I've ever gotten into was a small arguement I had with a girl I was madly in love with, and I promised her I wouldn't bother her again; to this day I have not spoken to her.
I love both my siblings; they're MY retards.
I always wanted to be *free* when I grew up.
My dream vacation is a trip high up in some isolated forest on a mountain, and just staying in a stone cabin by the fireplace when it starts to snow outside.
The most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me I can't even remember, because I make a fool of myself on a daily basis. It's probably that time an elderly man walked *into my shower* while I was naked, showering, in a public toilet at the age of 12
I've never been to therapy, and the hardest thing I've ever experienced was watching someone I loved walk away without saying goodbye. I never overcame it; I just never stopped running.
When I look in the mirror I feel like i'm looking at an incomplete puzzle with half the pieces missing.
I think apearances do matter in a relationship, to a certain degree, like maybe 30%.
My favourite movie is probably The Lion King, because as a kid I always empathized with being left alone.
The book that changed my life the most was Kafka On The Shore, by Haruki Murakami.
The hardest I've ever cried lasted 33 days of crying on a daily basis.
The grandparent I loved most *was* my grandmother, father's side, and I never got the chance to apologise after we had a small fight. She's passed on now, and I've still not taken the time to talk/pray to her. Don't feel ready.
"We need to talk" makes me sick to the bone, because I've always been a fuck up, and every person that wanted to tell me so started with those words.
Halloween is my favourite holiday; the chance to be something that you're not is always an amazing opportunity.
I used to love Spring the most, now it's a tie between Spring and Autumn.
My favourite colour used to be Yellow/Gold, but then it became Purple for the longest time. I think I'm starting to favour Green though.
I used to hate rain; only recently have I been able to come to terms with it.
I'm not scared to die-- I would just regret dying now.
I don't believe in god, but I believe in a connection between all living things, a form of inertia that exists for the soul.
I don't have allergies.
My favourite food is pasta bolognese, and my favourite restaurant is one of the following: Woody's, Outback, ; long story short I love steak and ribs a lot too, in addition to pasta bolognese.
I do like to cook, just often times I feel it's too time consuming, especially if I can have someone else cook for me instead.
I do care about cleanliness, in terms of hygience, but not so much in terms of organization.
I don't have a political view; I just want the world be be more giving, and less strict / hellbent on "following the rules"
I am an equalist. I would not say I am feminist because that would incline me to know a lot of things that I don't; I just know what's fair and what isn't.
My favourite flower is the "Fiesta Flower", commonly found in California; but since no one knows of this flower, I usually just say "the Rose"
I have too many "favourite" songs, but the most memorable one for me is "Easier to Run", by Linkin Park.
I've had a lot of cats, and the one's I've had were always very well behaved; but I'd like to try having a dog, and raising it from a young age.
If a girl going through chemotherapy asked me to shave off my hair so she could have a wig, I would; But only if she asked/told me herself.
I'd like to have a house in Malaysia, and one in Canada, in that woods on the mountain I talked about earlier.
I'd like to Honeymoon on a cross-country trip, and see the world more.
I like fruity candy, ie. Nerds, or dark chocolate. Especially minty dark chocolate.
When I'm mad I stay very quiet and pent up, and if they persist I eventually explode, even when I know I'm in the wrong; my reasoning being that even if I'm wrong, that doesn't give you the excuse to grill me till I'm an erupting volcano. I'm not a pimple on your face, I'm a human being.
I'd rather have silver accessories over gold ones, because they look more sleek.
In high school I was the loner / nerd / geek clique, when I did hang out with anyone.
My spirit animal, I've always believed, would be a Jaguar.
I'd probably be Nightshade, if I were a flower.
I admire a lot of people. Very long list. Murakami, Kafka, Hugh Laurey, Quest Crew, Mike Shinoda, Amy Lee, Frank Sinatra, Patrick Stewart, Charlie Chaplin, Bill Nye, just to name a few.
I wish I was more charismatic with less effort.
I always worry that I'm a shitty person, even though I know deep down that I'm probably not.
What hurt me the most was accidentally pushing away someone who was once my best friend.
If you want to make me feel better, just shut up and cuddle.
I prefer kisses to hugs, but not everyone thinks kissing is morally decent.
My house looks like a barren canvas consisting of two floors, with conveniently placed rocks.
My dream car is probably an Audi R8; I don't know much about cars, but I know that's a pretty sweet one.
Celebrity life is not a strong suite, but the most tragic life award probably goes to Robin Williams. I miss that guy.
I think people become cold when you've left them outside for too long, and they forget the warmth of another human soul.
Nature versus nurture; The nature of a person can change if they are willing to change. Nurturing is a guide that help form the backbone of a person's future, but ultimately who they want to be is their choice alone. Not every nurturing parents successfully conveys that message though.
I don't believe in heaven, but aliens definitely(statistically it's impossible for there NOT to be other life), and mermaids, sure why not.
Reincarnation is a possibility, it would be nice to see nice people die and become other good things.
The bible may have truthful elements to it, with many exaggerations; I personally think of it as a history book that's been rewritten for children, like fable stories, meant to teach a lesson with exasperated stories.
My favourite feeling is complete and utter love. Sorrow comes as a close second. I'm bittersweet like that.
The best day I ever had was the day I felt complete; sadly, I lost the completing factor, and I'm back to searching for a replacement piece.
The best day I think would be to finally settle down after travelling the world with a significant other.
I see myself as a protector for all my friends; but as Dan Brown asks in Angels and Demons: Who guards the guard?
I deal with pain with parkour and writing.
If I had 100 million dollars, I'd send half to charity, a quarter into a business investment, an eighth into a trust fund, and the remaining I'd spend making me and all my friends's craziest ideas come true.
I do think wealth affects moral, up to a point.
I think writing is an amazing outlet that people should try building upon. It's a skill the helps people better understand themselves, and that's the first step to understanding the world.
If I could do it all over, I wouldn't. There's little I could have changed, and if I did change anything, the rest would come out a mess as well.
My biggest mistake is thinking that I am less than I deserve.
I wish I could speak several languages fluently: Chinese, Russian, Spanish, French, Hungarian, Arabic
I've loved three people whole heartedly in my life.
I might have loved the person I lost my virginity to at some point; but definitely not anymore.
I don't think I'm remarkable at all; I always think I'm lacking.
My Enneagram is (I just took the test) Type 4, with a wing type 5 (4w5).
You could improve the education system by making it less about what students know, and more about how they found out what they know.
People who commit suicide are neglected, ashamed, and in terrible pain. I've been through that phase, and people will call them cowards for wanting to spread that pain to other people they know; but if you had the choice of taking such immense pain away, you would not think twice. Adding guilt to the equation doesn't usually help.
If I could say something to them before they were about to commit suicide, I'd say "It is not my place to tell you what to do or what to think, but it really does get better over time, one way or another. Live on."
My favourite childhood memory is remembering my summers in Hungary with my grandparents, and various uncles; most of them have already passed away.
I like both tea and coffee; both I take without sugar, not too hot, and coffee I prefer black.
The last time I wrote someone a handwritten letter was towards the end of last November.
The best gift I've ever received was a dreamcatcher, from someone who was special to me.
The best piece of advice I've ever been given was "Learn to unsee the lines", referring to the boundary lines that people and rules define for us, and instead of following them, trying things out in different ways.
The last time I cried was right after New Years, when I wrote my last blog post; hopefully also the last time in a long while.
I'm very competative in board games; I just don't show it.
My favourite board game is actually the card game Magic: The Gathering, but if we're strictly referring to Board games with actual Boards, and not tabletop, then it's probably actually Monopoly.
I dont' feel pressured to settle down; I feel pressured to do the opposite actually.
The first thing I notice in a person is usually their physical characteristics, most notably their hair, eyes, body posture, how they walk, and whether their eyes furrow in distress, or arch in happiness. The second thing I notice is their voice, and how they talk.
My top three pet peeves are: 1) Replying a long text / rant with just a smilie, or single letter answer (K.), 2) always humming / singing something (silence is appreciated every now and then) 3) people constantly apologizing. I already do this enough for everyone, we don't need a second one.
I don't have any inherent phobias, but that's because I don't know I have one until the moment arises; and as soon as the moment is over and I think it through, I don't think I have the phobia.
Something I've always wanted to do, but didn't have the courage to do, was parkour; I've started that recently though, about 4 months back, so I guess that crosses that off the list.
When I'm overwhelmingly sad, I'll find a quiet place where no one knows me, like a cafe, and just listen to music while people watching.
I don't know how to ski. I've tried before, but an earlier injury prevents me from actually skiing properly.
If plastic surgery was 100% safe and painless, I'd probably still not get it. Tattoo's though, maybe.
I think home is where the heart is, and right now my heart feels like it's homeless, and needs to explore. I suppose that means right now I am without a home.
I definitely think politeness is important; it's imperative to have a level of chivalry and exemplary behaviour, especially towards people you do not know.
I think indecisive people need someone to take their hand and show them what it's like to be alive.
The only reason a person should ever go to war is to defend their own home, never to invade or push into another country's territory.
Something that scares me is the thought of being buried alive. And things that look or feel human, but aren't human.
I believe in therapy; but you don't need a licensed therapist to be in a therapy session. Sometimes, therapy with friends is more than enough.
I want few things from life. I want to feel happy, alive, appreciated, and understood. That's all I ask for.
When I think about my ideal partner, I imagine them loving to travel, a spark of crazy, spontaneous but genuine, and comfortable with social situations. Another wandering soul, I suppose.
If I could change anything about myself, I'd change the fact that I'm always thinking so negatively about myself. That, and my annoying mumbling when I talk.
As mentioned before, if I could change the world, I'd want it to be more giving. I'd probably make it more green as well. I like trees.
I want to be free, and happy, and madly in love.
I am Alex Vorosmarthy.
"I want to know your birthday and your parents jobs and if you ever heard them fighting or having sex and if you love your siblings and the worst fight you’ve ever gotten into and if you like one sibling more than the other and what you wanted to be when you grew up when you were seven and your dream vacation and the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you and if you’ve been to therapy and if it helped and the hardest thing you’ve experienced and how you overcame it and if you like what you see when you look in the mirror and if you think appearances matter in a relationship or at all and your favorite movie and which books changed your Life and the hardest you’ve ever cried and which grandparent you loved the most and if the words “we need to talk” make you sick to your stomach and why and which holiday is your favorite and which season and which color and if you like rain and if you’re Scared of dying and if you believe in god and if you have allergies and to what and what your favorite food is and restaurant and if you like to cook and whether or not you care about cleanliness and what your political views are and if you’re a feminist and your favorite flower and song and if you’d rather own a cat or a dog and if you’d shave off all your hair to Give it to aLittle Girl going through chemotherapy and where you’d like to live and honeymoon and what kind of gum and candy you like and what you act like when you’re mad and if you’d rather someone buy you silver or gold jewelry or neither and what clique you were in in high school and what you think your Spirit animal is and which flower you’d be and who you admire and which traits you wish were more dominant and if you ever worry you’re a shitty person and what hurt you the most and why you ever thought you were worthless and how someone can make you feel better when you’re sad and if you prefer hugs or kisses and what your house looks like and what your dream car is and which celebrity you think lives the most tragic Life and why you think people become so cold and what you think about nature vs nurture and if you believe in heaven and aliens and mermaids and Reincarnation and the bible and which feeling is your least favorite and what was the best Day you ever had and what would be the best Day and if you see yourself as the protector or one who needs protecting and how you deal with yourPain and what you would do if you had 100 million dollars and if you think wealth affects people’s morals and what good you think writing is and if you could do it all over, would you and what would you change and what mistake was your biggest and which language you wish you spoke fluently and how many people you’ve loved and if you loved the person you lost your virginity to and if you realize you’re remarkable and what your enneagram is and how you think we could improve the education system and what you think of people who commit suicide and if you think they’re selfish and what you say to them before they did it if you could and what your favorite memory of your childhood is and how you Take your tea or if you prefer coffee and when you last wrote someone a handwritten letter and what the best gift you ever received was and what the best piece of advice was and when the last time you cried was and if you’re competitive about board games and which is your favorite and if you feel pressured to settle Downand what you notice first in a person and what your top three pet peeves are and if you have any phobias and what you’ve always wanted to do but don’t have the courage to go through with and what you do when you feel overwhelmingly sad and if you ski and if plastic surgery was 100% safe and painless, would you get it and where and why and where you think home is and if you think politeness is important and what you think of indecisive people and if you think there’s ever a reason to go to war and something thatScares you and if you believe in therapy and what you want in Life and what you look for in a partner and what you want to change about yourself and about the world and who you want to be and who you are. Just tell me who you are.”
My Birthday is November 26, 1993.
My Father has a job, my Mother is staying home as a housewife.
They fight all the time about the stupidest things, and I've never heard them having sex (I don't think they can).
I love my siblings, despite the fact that one is things like a 10 year old at 18, and the other has almost zero respect towards other homo sapiens.
The worst fight I've ever gotten into was a small arguement I had with a girl I was madly in love with, and I promised her I wouldn't bother her again; to this day I have not spoken to her.
I love both my siblings; they're MY retards.
I always wanted to be *free* when I grew up.
My dream vacation is a trip high up in some isolated forest on a mountain, and just staying in a stone cabin by the fireplace when it starts to snow outside.
The most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me I can't even remember, because I make a fool of myself on a daily basis. It's probably that time an elderly man walked *into my shower* while I was naked, showering, in a public toilet at the age of 12
I've never been to therapy, and the hardest thing I've ever experienced was watching someone I loved walk away without saying goodbye. I never overcame it; I just never stopped running.
When I look in the mirror I feel like i'm looking at an incomplete puzzle with half the pieces missing.
I think apearances do matter in a relationship, to a certain degree, like maybe 30%.
My favourite movie is probably The Lion King, because as a kid I always empathized with being left alone.
The book that changed my life the most was Kafka On The Shore, by Haruki Murakami.
The hardest I've ever cried lasted 33 days of crying on a daily basis.
The grandparent I loved most *was* my grandmother, father's side, and I never got the chance to apologise after we had a small fight. She's passed on now, and I've still not taken the time to talk/pray to her. Don't feel ready.
"We need to talk" makes me sick to the bone, because I've always been a fuck up, and every person that wanted to tell me so started with those words.
Halloween is my favourite holiday; the chance to be something that you're not is always an amazing opportunity.
I used to love Spring the most, now it's a tie between Spring and Autumn.
My favourite colour used to be Yellow/Gold, but then it became Purple for the longest time. I think I'm starting to favour Green though.
I used to hate rain; only recently have I been able to come to terms with it.
I'm not scared to die-- I would just regret dying now.
I don't believe in god, but I believe in a connection between all living things, a form of inertia that exists for the soul.
I don't have allergies.
My favourite food is pasta bolognese, and my favourite restaurant is one of the following: Woody's, Outback, ; long story short I love steak and ribs a lot too, in addition to pasta bolognese.
I do like to cook, just often times I feel it's too time consuming, especially if I can have someone else cook for me instead.
I do care about cleanliness, in terms of hygience, but not so much in terms of organization.
I don't have a political view; I just want the world be be more giving, and less strict / hellbent on "following the rules"
I am an equalist. I would not say I am feminist because that would incline me to know a lot of things that I don't; I just know what's fair and what isn't.
My favourite flower is the "Fiesta Flower", commonly found in California; but since no one knows of this flower, I usually just say "the Rose"
I have too many "favourite" songs, but the most memorable one for me is "Easier to Run", by Linkin Park.
I've had a lot of cats, and the one's I've had were always very well behaved; but I'd like to try having a dog, and raising it from a young age.
If a girl going through chemotherapy asked me to shave off my hair so she could have a wig, I would; But only if she asked/told me herself.
I'd like to have a house in Malaysia, and one in Canada, in that woods on the mountain I talked about earlier.
I'd like to Honeymoon on a cross-country trip, and see the world more.
I like fruity candy, ie. Nerds, or dark chocolate. Especially minty dark chocolate.
When I'm mad I stay very quiet and pent up, and if they persist I eventually explode, even when I know I'm in the wrong; my reasoning being that even if I'm wrong, that doesn't give you the excuse to grill me till I'm an erupting volcano. I'm not a pimple on your face, I'm a human being.
I'd rather have silver accessories over gold ones, because they look more sleek.
In high school I was the loner / nerd / geek clique, when I did hang out with anyone.
My spirit animal, I've always believed, would be a Jaguar.
I'd probably be Nightshade, if I were a flower.
I admire a lot of people. Very long list. Murakami, Kafka, Hugh Laurey, Quest Crew, Mike Shinoda, Amy Lee, Frank Sinatra, Patrick Stewart, Charlie Chaplin, Bill Nye, just to name a few.
I wish I was more charismatic with less effort.
I always worry that I'm a shitty person, even though I know deep down that I'm probably not.
What hurt me the most was accidentally pushing away someone who was once my best friend.
If you want to make me feel better, just shut up and cuddle.
I prefer kisses to hugs, but not everyone thinks kissing is morally decent.
My house looks like a barren canvas consisting of two floors, with conveniently placed rocks.
My dream car is probably an Audi R8; I don't know much about cars, but I know that's a pretty sweet one.
Celebrity life is not a strong suite, but the most tragic life award probably goes to Robin Williams. I miss that guy.
I think people become cold when you've left them outside for too long, and they forget the warmth of another human soul.
Nature versus nurture; The nature of a person can change if they are willing to change. Nurturing is a guide that help form the backbone of a person's future, but ultimately who they want to be is their choice alone. Not every nurturing parents successfully conveys that message though.
I don't believe in heaven, but aliens definitely(statistically it's impossible for there NOT to be other life), and mermaids, sure why not.
Reincarnation is a possibility, it would be nice to see nice people die and become other good things.
The bible may have truthful elements to it, with many exaggerations; I personally think of it as a history book that's been rewritten for children, like fable stories, meant to teach a lesson with exasperated stories.
My favourite feeling is complete and utter love. Sorrow comes as a close second. I'm bittersweet like that.
The best day I ever had was the day I felt complete; sadly, I lost the completing factor, and I'm back to searching for a replacement piece.
The best day I think would be to finally settle down after travelling the world with a significant other.
I see myself as a protector for all my friends; but as Dan Brown asks in Angels and Demons: Who guards the guard?
I deal with pain with parkour and writing.
If I had 100 million dollars, I'd send half to charity, a quarter into a business investment, an eighth into a trust fund, and the remaining I'd spend making me and all my friends's craziest ideas come true.
I do think wealth affects moral, up to a point.
I think writing is an amazing outlet that people should try building upon. It's a skill the helps people better understand themselves, and that's the first step to understanding the world.
If I could do it all over, I wouldn't. There's little I could have changed, and if I did change anything, the rest would come out a mess as well.
My biggest mistake is thinking that I am less than I deserve.
I wish I could speak several languages fluently: Chinese, Russian, Spanish, French, Hungarian, Arabic
I've loved three people whole heartedly in my life.
I might have loved the person I lost my virginity to at some point; but definitely not anymore.
I don't think I'm remarkable at all; I always think I'm lacking.
My Enneagram is (I just took the test) Type 4, with a wing type 5 (4w5).
You could improve the education system by making it less about what students know, and more about how they found out what they know.
People who commit suicide are neglected, ashamed, and in terrible pain. I've been through that phase, and people will call them cowards for wanting to spread that pain to other people they know; but if you had the choice of taking such immense pain away, you would not think twice. Adding guilt to the equation doesn't usually help.
If I could say something to them before they were about to commit suicide, I'd say "It is not my place to tell you what to do or what to think, but it really does get better over time, one way or another. Live on."
My favourite childhood memory is remembering my summers in Hungary with my grandparents, and various uncles; most of them have already passed away.
I like both tea and coffee; both I take without sugar, not too hot, and coffee I prefer black.
The last time I wrote someone a handwritten letter was towards the end of last November.
The best gift I've ever received was a dreamcatcher, from someone who was special to me.
The best piece of advice I've ever been given was "Learn to unsee the lines", referring to the boundary lines that people and rules define for us, and instead of following them, trying things out in different ways.
The last time I cried was right after New Years, when I wrote my last blog post; hopefully also the last time in a long while.
I'm very competative in board games; I just don't show it.
My favourite board game is actually the card game Magic: The Gathering, but if we're strictly referring to Board games with actual Boards, and not tabletop, then it's probably actually Monopoly.
I dont' feel pressured to settle down; I feel pressured to do the opposite actually.
The first thing I notice in a person is usually their physical characteristics, most notably their hair, eyes, body posture, how they walk, and whether their eyes furrow in distress, or arch in happiness. The second thing I notice is their voice, and how they talk.
My top three pet peeves are: 1) Replying a long text / rant with just a smilie, or single letter answer (K.), 2) always humming / singing something (silence is appreciated every now and then) 3) people constantly apologizing. I already do this enough for everyone, we don't need a second one.
I don't have any inherent phobias, but that's because I don't know I have one until the moment arises; and as soon as the moment is over and I think it through, I don't think I have the phobia.
Something I've always wanted to do, but didn't have the courage to do, was parkour; I've started that recently though, about 4 months back, so I guess that crosses that off the list.
When I'm overwhelmingly sad, I'll find a quiet place where no one knows me, like a cafe, and just listen to music while people watching.
I don't know how to ski. I've tried before, but an earlier injury prevents me from actually skiing properly.
If plastic surgery was 100% safe and painless, I'd probably still not get it. Tattoo's though, maybe.
I think home is where the heart is, and right now my heart feels like it's homeless, and needs to explore. I suppose that means right now I am without a home.
I definitely think politeness is important; it's imperative to have a level of chivalry and exemplary behaviour, especially towards people you do not know.
I think indecisive people need someone to take their hand and show them what it's like to be alive.
The only reason a person should ever go to war is to defend their own home, never to invade or push into another country's territory.
Something that scares me is the thought of being buried alive. And things that look or feel human, but aren't human.
I believe in therapy; but you don't need a licensed therapist to be in a therapy session. Sometimes, therapy with friends is more than enough.
I want few things from life. I want to feel happy, alive, appreciated, and understood. That's all I ask for.
When I think about my ideal partner, I imagine them loving to travel, a spark of crazy, spontaneous but genuine, and comfortable with social situations. Another wandering soul, I suppose.
If I could change anything about myself, I'd change the fact that I'm always thinking so negatively about myself. That, and my annoying mumbling when I talk.
As mentioned before, if I could change the world, I'd want it to be more giving. I'd probably make it more green as well. I like trees.
I want to be free, and happy, and madly in love.
I am Alex Vorosmarthy.
"I want to know your birthday and your parents jobs and if you ever heard them fighting or having sex and if you love your siblings and the worst fight you’ve ever gotten into and if you like one sibling more than the other and what you wanted to be when you grew up when you were seven and your dream vacation and the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you and if you’ve been to therapy and if it helped and the hardest thing you’ve experienced and how you overcame it and if you like what you see when you look in the mirror and if you think appearances matter in a relationship or at all and your favorite movie and which books changed your Life and the hardest you’ve ever cried and which grandparent you loved the most and if the words “we need to talk” make you sick to your stomach and why and which holiday is your favorite and which season and which color and if you like rain and if you’re Scared of dying and if you believe in god and if you have allergies and to what and what your favorite food is and restaurant and if you like to cook and whether or not you care about cleanliness and what your political views are and if you’re a feminist and your favorite flower and song and if you’d rather own a cat or a dog and if you’d shave off all your hair to Give it to aLittle Girl going through chemotherapy and where you’d like to live and honeymoon and what kind of gum and candy you like and what you act like when you’re mad and if you’d rather someone buy you silver or gold jewelry or neither and what clique you were in in high school and what you think your Spirit animal is and which flower you’d be and who you admire and which traits you wish were more dominant and if you ever worry you’re a shitty person and what hurt you the most and why you ever thought you were worthless and how someone can make you feel better when you’re sad and if you prefer hugs or kisses and what your house looks like and what your dream car is and which celebrity you think lives the most tragic Life and why you think people become so cold and what you think about nature vs nurture and if you believe in heaven and aliens and mermaids and Reincarnation and the bible and which feeling is your least favorite and what was the best Day you ever had and what would be the best Day and if you see yourself as the protector or one who needs protecting and how you deal with yourPain and what you would do if you had 100 million dollars and if you think wealth affects people’s morals and what good you think writing is and if you could do it all over, would you and what would you change and what mistake was your biggest and which language you wish you spoke fluently and how many people you’ve loved and if you loved the person you lost your virginity to and if you realize you’re remarkable and what your enneagram is and how you think we could improve the education system and what you think of people who commit suicide and if you think they’re selfish and what you say to them before they did it if you could and what your favorite memory of your childhood is and how you Take your tea or if you prefer coffee and when you last wrote someone a handwritten letter and what the best gift you ever received was and what the best piece of advice was and when the last time you cried was and if you’re competitive about board games and which is your favorite and if you feel pressured to settle Downand what you notice first in a person and what your top three pet peeves are and if you have any phobias and what you’ve always wanted to do but don’t have the courage to go through with and what you do when you feel overwhelmingly sad and if you ski and if plastic surgery was 100% safe and painless, would you get it and where and why and where you think home is and if you think politeness is important and what you think of indecisive people and if you think there’s ever a reason to go to war and something thatScares you and if you believe in therapy and what you want in Life and what you look for in a partner and what you want to change about yourself and about the world and who you want to be and who you are. Just tell me who you are.”
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Reflecting One-Four
To the reader: If this is your first time on my blog, many greetings; If you've been here before, happy returns to you. Everything you read here will be my genuine unfiltered thoughts and secrets, explaining in full detail everything about me, piece by piece. I wish that you read on without prejudice or judgement, for I am not a perfect person, and I hope that you can connect and empathize with my life's story. -Alex
This is going to be my final post for the year.
Technically, it's already 2015 when I'm writing this, but it's barely passed and I wanted to wrap some things up with 2014.
First things first, reflections.
This year has been a year of self discovery. I learned a lot of things about myself, and I experienced a lot of different things. I ended a long-term relationship after 18 months, traveled to Europe alone, picked up parkour, fell madly in love with a stranger, had flings, lived through my greatest pain yet, performed and acted with the greatest of company, and ultimately realised the depth of my humanity.
Leanne, have fun in Australia. SPART, thank you for being family when I needed family. Dennis Yeap, I both hate you and love you for bringing out my human nature, but I feel and acknowledge that it was a necessary step to my evolution; thank you.
Ayat. I didn't want to cry while writing this. I told myself I wouldn't, because I'd cried too much for you already. For 33 days I cried daily to the thought of you, but no more. 2015 has come around, without you, and I thought that if there were any one person I would have wanted to spend tonight with, it would have been you. I dreamed that I saw you again, this time while I was running through the streets of London, and I saw you, and I imagined walking right up to you and saying hello.
You fucked me up, real bad. But I love you for it, I always will, no matter how much it hurts, or how much I'll look back and think what a moron I was. But this is also the last night I'll let myself cry, and this is the last time I will write to you. I don't have the time to regret a life I couldn't have lived.
2015, I dedicate you to expanding and perfecting my passions. I want to work harder in my studies, which includes SPART, as the skills I've learned from there are invaluable in my works with my course. I want to be better at writing and composing, be it stories, or poetry, or music. I want to spend a more serious amount of time writing my own works and breathing life into my own art. I want to be faster and more fluent in parkour, combining explosive strength with precision; to that end, I will begin my own practice of philosophy following Tayajura, including parkour, martial arts, and meditation. Finally, I want to be stronger, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I acknowledge that being a perfect person never is and never will be possible, but it's an essential part of me to continue striving to be my own brand of perfect. That being said, I want to be the best person that I can be. If I keep pursuing that idea of perfection, maybe someday I'll surpass it without realising.
Happy New Year to Me. I feel that 2015 is going to be my year, for once; and I want to have a great 21st year.
This is going to be my final post for the year.
Technically, it's already 2015 when I'm writing this, but it's barely passed and I wanted to wrap some things up with 2014.
First things first, reflections.
This year has been a year of self discovery. I learned a lot of things about myself, and I experienced a lot of different things. I ended a long-term relationship after 18 months, traveled to Europe alone, picked up parkour, fell madly in love with a stranger, had flings, lived through my greatest pain yet, performed and acted with the greatest of company, and ultimately realised the depth of my humanity.
Leanne, have fun in Australia. SPART, thank you for being family when I needed family. Dennis Yeap, I both hate you and love you for bringing out my human nature, but I feel and acknowledge that it was a necessary step to my evolution; thank you.
Ayat. I didn't want to cry while writing this. I told myself I wouldn't, because I'd cried too much for you already. For 33 days I cried daily to the thought of you, but no more. 2015 has come around, without you, and I thought that if there were any one person I would have wanted to spend tonight with, it would have been you. I dreamed that I saw you again, this time while I was running through the streets of London, and I saw you, and I imagined walking right up to you and saying hello.
You fucked me up, real bad. But I love you for it, I always will, no matter how much it hurts, or how much I'll look back and think what a moron I was. But this is also the last night I'll let myself cry, and this is the last time I will write to you. I don't have the time to regret a life I couldn't have lived.
2015, I dedicate you to expanding and perfecting my passions. I want to work harder in my studies, which includes SPART, as the skills I've learned from there are invaluable in my works with my course. I want to be better at writing and composing, be it stories, or poetry, or music. I want to spend a more serious amount of time writing my own works and breathing life into my own art. I want to be faster and more fluent in parkour, combining explosive strength with precision; to that end, I will begin my own practice of philosophy following Tayajura, including parkour, martial arts, and meditation. Finally, I want to be stronger, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I acknowledge that being a perfect person never is and never will be possible, but it's an essential part of me to continue striving to be my own brand of perfect. That being said, I want to be the best person that I can be. If I keep pursuing that idea of perfection, maybe someday I'll surpass it without realising.
Happy New Year to Me. I feel that 2015 is going to be my year, for once; and I want to have a great 21st year.
Friday, December 19, 2014
The Promise Of Better Days
To the reader: If this is your first time on my blog, many greetings; If you've been here before, happy returns to you. Everything you read here will be my genuine unfiltered thoughts and secrets, explaining in full detail everything about me, piece by piece. I wish that you read on without prejudice or judgement, for I am not a perfect person, and I hope that you can connect and empathize with my life's story. -Alex
Before you, I rarely ever had dreams. While you were around, I dreamed of you often. After you left, the dreaming stopped. For the first time in forever, I dreamed of you again.
I met you in a cafe with clear glass windows, at around noon. I don't remember if we planned to meet, or if it was coincidental, but we sat and smiled, and you said that you found it odd that we never talked, even though we both wanted to.
Flashback to reality, I guess I desperately want to convince myself that you want to talk to me just as much as I want to talk to you. It's unfair that you left, but even more so you didn't say anything at all before leaving, and that honestly kills me the most.
You can't just make someone fall in love with you, then leave without saying anything; that's the surest, most painful, and slowest way you could ever commit a murder. I don't know if it was what you intended, or if you knew it would even happen, but I genuinely believe that you have killed a part of me.
I still keep track of how long it's been since we talked, and in the 21 days that it's been since we last talked, you've still managed to make me cry every day.
Before you, I rarely ever had dreams. While you were around, I dreamed of you often. After you left, the dreaming stopped. For the first time in forever, I dreamed of you again.
I met you in a cafe with clear glass windows, at around noon. I don't remember if we planned to meet, or if it was coincidental, but we sat and smiled, and you said that you found it odd that we never talked, even though we both wanted to.
Flashback to reality, I guess I desperately want to convince myself that you want to talk to me just as much as I want to talk to you. It's unfair that you left, but even more so you didn't say anything at all before leaving, and that honestly kills me the most.
You can't just make someone fall in love with you, then leave without saying anything; that's the surest, most painful, and slowest way you could ever commit a murder. I don't know if it was what you intended, or if you knew it would even happen, but I genuinely believe that you have killed a part of me.
I still keep track of how long it's been since we talked, and in the 21 days that it's been since we last talked, you've still managed to make me cry every day.
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